lighten the world of 'me'

The other night, I was awake at 3am stewing on shit. The kind of stuff most of us stew on when we wake up around 3am. You see, Life has begun to move. And I can't seem to get over my old habit of trying to commandeer the whole process.

A bit of back story: in the last few weeks, my partner, Bradford, and I agreed to see what would happen if we put the house on the market. We figured, maybe see what Life wants rather than try and figure it out. Over the last few months, both of us have been feeling the 'heaviness' of the show we've chosen; the investment of time, money, and energy that it takes to sustain our current lifestyle. Between mortgage payments, utilities, taxes, and maintenance this home keeps us beholden to the wheel of working.

Now, let me take a moment to clarify that I've got nothing against working. In fact, I find most work rather satisfying. Particularly physical work. I enjoy putting my muscles and my hands to affecting the world around me. I enjoy being creative (though it's not always obvious how I can be creative as a counselor). I enjoy seeing things happen in front of my eyes. Where I run aground is feeling welded to a profession because the choices I've made require that I keep a constant stream of financial resources coming in.

So, back to my predicament. We put our lovely home up for sale. We figured that if it sold, it was an indication from Life that it was time to change things up, lighten our earthly possessions, take a fresh look at living and see what other possibilities existed for us. If the home didn't sell, well then we'd stay put and continue to enjoy our current lifestyle. Trust Life. Lean into something more intelligent than our own minds which are riddled with fear and be open to something grander than our collective societal conditioning which tells us that life is about building stability and comfort and security.

The house hit the market on Friday, May 23rd. By Saturday there were two showings scheduled for Sunday, May 25th. By Sunday evening, we had two offers from folks wanting to purchase our home. It seemed that Life was indicating that it was time to let go of our home.

And now, a few days later, I'm tying myself into knots about how all of this will play out. Apparently, for me, leaning in and trusting Life has limits.

I was awake fretting about all the things that could go 'wrong' in the process of selling our home now that we were under contract. The buyer's financing could fall through. The inspections might discover some egregious issue of which we're not aware. Our water might have radon or arsenic or some other problem. My mind kept playing out all sorts of scenarios and then reacted to its own fears by trying to figure out how I will keep these imagined 'wrongs' from happening. What a self-created pickle!

That's what I mean by "lighten the world of 'me';" Life doesn't need my ideas of what 'should' happen. Life doesn't need my personal preferences nor my ideas of 'right' and 'wrong.' Life doesn't need my commentary, my interpretations, nor my judgments. These are the things that 'me' brings to life and Life doesn't need any of 'me.'

I was out hiking with the dogs the morning after my 3am fretting and I realized that all of this extra 'stuff' that I was bringing to life and this situation was unnecessary, unhelpful, and heavy. The contract could go through or not go through. The house could sell or not sell. Life would continue. It didn't matter. And the feeling of letting it all go to look after itself was delightfully light and peaceful. When I don't indulge my wants and preferences, when I see that Life doesn't need me to steer the ship then I'm freed up to simply en-joy the ride.

Nothing in the natural world apart from humans fret. And nothing in the non-human world puts the burden of itself onto Life.