Today, in our culture, we are doing the equivalent of eating too much sugar, but our sweets are stuff and speed. We are consuming at an incredible pace, simply because it’s there and we can, and because we believe it will somehow fill our inner emptiness if we can just consume enough. (chapter 13 of the not so big life)
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| pondering dogs |
In my sleepy, unconscious existence, I have been settling into habits that anesthetize my inner disquiet. Rather than look at and feel the unsettling questions which arise about the way I'm living, I'm finding ways to distract myself and go back to sleep. I calm the uncomfortable questions with food, alcohol, entertainment, books, new renovation projects, buying more stuff, cleaning, eating out, even paddling, running and hiking. And none of these habits is intrinsically wrong - nothing is wrong except I'm slumbering away like a cow in the herd of humanity ignoring some pretty big doubts about what this is all about, choosing instead to chew my cud and wait to die.Okay, that's a bit dramatic. But I am distracting myself and continuously migrating away from the unknown, staying close to normal, avoiding too much uncertainty or discomfort. I have traded aliveness for comfort, awakeness for slumber, pungent for saccharine sweet, and spareness for filler.
Both me and my life are FLABBY!
Too much weight, not enough movement. Too much soothing, not enough edge.
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| sleeping boys |
Why so much energy towards hiding? Why so much time, money, and activity geared at keeping things familiar and comfortable? What am I afraid of?
Why so much chocolate and beer? Why so little dancing and exploring? Why so much rest and so few orgasms? Why such a tidy and well-organized space around me? Why so little chaos and uncertainty? Why so much security and so little risk?
How did my sleep become so deep?
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